my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
