Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize