my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
