I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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