does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
