I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
