He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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