I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
