it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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