what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
How external is "for external use only"?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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