there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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