Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
