He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
