i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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