I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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