i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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