Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
