Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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