Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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