And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize