also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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