see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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