ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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