My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize