I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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