At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
