I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
