I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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