I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
