Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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