Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
