Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
