I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
