I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
