Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
