i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize