How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
