guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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