I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
