And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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