I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
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