is your mom at the bar?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
