Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
