i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
