I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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