You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
