Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up under a house in Key West
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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