i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
