Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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