u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
When are your genitals available?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
