Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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