i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
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