She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
