Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
