but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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