Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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