she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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