bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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