I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
